Batter Up!

"Hey...nice mailbox...they are really devoted fans!"  I'm guessing that's what normal people think when driving by.  Of course...my first thought was nothing like that.

Me:  "Wow...you are some brave people.  Where's a baseball bat when you need one!"

(And my urge to smack it has nothing to do with the specific sports team and everything to do with it being a helmet-shaped mailbox.  It just screams take a swing at me!)

So...yes...it's disturbing to realize how much of a criminal I am at heart.  Good thing I don't act on these thoughts.  Besides...I'm guessing the hubby would frown upon bailing me out of jail.  Of course my excuse would totally be legitimate..."I don't know why I was arrested...I was just practicing my swing and that mailbox got in the way!"

Monday Night Football?

Today is Thursday and I'm watching Monday Night Football on ESPN.

Huhhhhhh?!?!?! 

Somebody get those folks a calendar 'cause I'm pretty sure that Monday Night Football should be played on a Monday!!!

Just add this as yet another thing that's wrong with NFL pre-season games.

The Twilight Saga: Geico Style

What's worse than finding a dead lizard in the house???  Finding out that my dead lizard...was not actually dead.  Ughhhhhhh!  

Recently I was moving some furniture and found a dead lizard amongst the dust bunnies.  So I went to find a broom and dust pan to dispose of said lizard.  Only to realize upon return that it had vanished!!!  Meaning:  I have a "dead" lizard running wild in the house!  Why 'o why must this stuff happen to me?!?!?!?!



(Whad'ya think?  That there would be a picture of the lizard???  Hello...no comprende english???  I just told ya the deader-than-a-doornail reptile came back to life and didn't stick around for photos, interviews, or autographs.  Otherwise I'd totally be on Oprah right now.  Telling my story.  Making millions.)

Cheese Puffs: At least they're gluten free!

Gluten free and made with real cheese.  So they must be healthy.
Just overlook whatever "ingredient" makes them florescent orange.

Better stock up on cheese puffs now 'cause there might be a shortage at Christmas time.  According to Honey Boo Boo...reindeer recognize food by color.  Really.  I've never heard that before.  But Honey Boo Boo says as long as it's orange...carrots, cheese puffs, etc...it's all the same.  Wow.

Sometimes I wonder about my choices in TV shows.  However, this one has subtitles so it must be educational.  Nevermind the fact that it's a show featuring English speaking southerners airing in English speaking markets AND subtitles are still required to have any clue as to what they're sayin'!

Flip N' Flop

Just takin' my flip flops out for a test drive.  Gotta make sure they are road ready.

Yep...all good.

I Ugg You

Thank you Ms. Claus for my Ugg boots!  They have kept my toes from freezing off in our recent subzero temperatures.

Of course the hubby wanted to know "what about me? what do I get?"  Hummmm...you get a happy wife with 10 toasty warm toes!  And you can't put a price tag on that.  Therefore Uggs for me are actually a priceless gift for the hubby....

Ha! Ha!...he didn't buy that logic (i.e. bull$#%!) either.  Next time I'll just distract him with ESPN.

Junk Mail

I'm annoyed by getting the mail.  So usually I don't bother.  And here's another reason why...

I open the mailbox.  There's only one piece of mail in there.  Addressed to me.  Not the hubby or our household.  Directly to me.  Only me.  And it's for a weight loss clinic!

Wow.  You b*!@#!!!!!  So now the mail is calling me fat!  No wonder people develop eating disorders.

Las Vegas Foliage

Hummmm...

I'm sure Dr. Reefer must be a horticulturist with a Ph.D.

I mean...what other possible explanation could there be?!

Whatever it is...don't feed it!

Driving along Red Rock Canyon...we see a sign:

DO NOT FEED WILD HORSES AND BURROS $500 FINE

Me: What's a burro???

Hubby: What...there's wild horses???

And then a little while later...

Hubby: Look! Wild Horses.

Me: Ummmm no. But I think you solved my burro question.

Viva Las Vegas!

We eloped. 

In Vegas.

With Elvis.

Part 3: Housewife in a .......

Another stalker!  
There's a pattern developing here....
Part 1:  Stalker #1-3
Part 2:  Stalker #4.

I'm at the coffee shop writing, trying to get some work done, dusting the cobwebs off this little 'ol blog.  Again...minding my own business.  Why can't other people just learn to do the same?!?!

Then the guy next to me starts up a conversation.  Of course.  Just my luck.  He's either a really strange chatty fellow or it's the worst pick up line ever.



Stalker #5
Mr. Coffee Shop Man:  Do people here (meaning Minnesotans) call 'em sweet potatoes or yams?

(Huhhhh??????  Seriously...my brain took a trip around the block to process that question.  Did I really hear him correctly...sweet potato or yam?  What the......well okay...strange question but I'll play along and see where this goes....)

Me:  Both.  I'm not a tuber expert but they are actually different plants.

Mr. Coffee Shop Man:  Well I grew a HUGE sweet potato the size of a bowling pin.  Wanna see it?  I can show you a picture of it on my Facebook page.....

Me:  Ummmmm.  No thank you!

That's when I quickly grabbed my headphones and put 'em on!  I see where this creepy conversation is going.....NO...I also do not want to see the banana hiding in your pocket and NO we cannot be Facebook friends!  

And that is why my parents taught me never to speak to strangers.  Apparently there's no statute of limitations on that rule.  Next time...I'm yelling STRANGER DANGER!!!

Part 2: Housewife in Hardware Store

I was writing my Housewife in a Hardware Store post one morning and needed a break.  So I decided to run up to the orange box to pick up paint supplies for our kitchen.  Little did I know the post I was in the middle of writing was about to get a Part 2.

Stalker #4 (Sees me looking at paint brushes and rollers...minding my own business...)

Customer:  I can tell you have never painted anything in your whole life and need advice on the best supplies to buy.  Unfortunately I'm late for work or I would stay and help you.

Me:  ...I...ugh...hummm...ugh...speechless.

Holy $#!% batman!!!  Now I'm getting stalked by customers too!

Wanted: A New Career

I agree.

What the.....?!?!  

It's blank!

The answer was supposed to be inside!

Man...I got jipped!

Frogger

The goal of Frogger is simple.

Avoid cars while crossing a busy road without killing your frog.

Easy peasy right?

Unless you're the frog on my car who decides to try these stunts in real life.

Really Kermit?  What were you thinking!

Game over.

Housewife in a Hardware Store

I have stalkers!  They wear aprons, name badges, and exist in the form of hardware store employees.

Stalker #1
Employee:  What can I help you find?
Me:  Nothing, thank you.
Employee:  Are you building something?
Me:  Yes.
Employee:  What exactly?
Me:  A cat scratching/climbing post.
Employee:  O' you can buy that pre-made, we sell those here...have you looked in our pet section?

At which point I politely smile, batt my eyelashes, and think:  OMG WTF!!!!  Please go away before I "accidentally" smack you with this 4x4.  Yes I know I can buy one pre-made.  Yes I looked at them in the pet section.  And yes I'm choosing to build my own.

That's what I get for trying to be Minnesota nice to these stalkers.  Note to self:  try a new tactic when responding next time.


Stalker #2

Employee:  What can I help you find?

Me:  Ummmm...nothing.

Employee:  Are you planning to build something?

Me:  Not really sure.

Employee:  You seem to be a looking at the wood selection pretty intently.  Are you sure there isn't something I can help you with?

Me:  No thank you.  I'm just waiting for the wood to speak to me.
Employee:  O.  

At which point the employee walks away to help another customer.  Wow.  That was easy. 

Stalker #3 (Sees me making a beeline for the exit with nothing in hand and steps into the path between me and the door.)
Employee:   How are you doing today?
Me:  Fine.  Thank you.
Employee:  Is there something I can help you find.
Me:  No.  Thank you.
Employee:  Did you find what you are looking for?

Me:  No.  Not today.

Employee:  What are you looking for?

Me:  Good question.  I don't really know.  Any suggestions?

Employee:  Hummmmmmm???????

At which point the employee is rendered speechless, flashes me a fake smile, and steps aside so I can go on my merry way.  Problem solved.

Howdy Aggie Nation!

Hummmmmmm.....

REAL Football? 

REAL Tradition?

Annexed? 
Implying ownership?
REAL-ly?

Welcome to the SEC boys!  

The Gator Nation hopes you enjoyed your introduction as much as we did!  

   

Moving In: Couch Potatoes

First day in our new house.  Priority #1....breakfast at IHOP.  'Cause who can function without pancakes and coffee!!  Next on the agenda....(ummm....not dealing with the mass chaos of stuff in our garage)...instead we hopped into our moving truck and headed straight to Ikea to pick up our sectional.

Again...we have priorities...and cable tv requires a couch.  A really really big one.  Besides...using our moving truck saved us a chunk of change in delivery fees.  The only problem:  our new couch required assembly.

So I spent the rest of the day getting beaten up by Karlstad while the hubby bravely tackled the garage.  The little bads???  They supervised.

Ahhhhhh....the joys of moving.

Timing is Everything

Soooooooo glad our emergency fund has an emergency fund.  It usually helps keep Murphy's law away.

However, right before we moved, we found out that the timing belt on one of our cars had some cracks and probably should be replaced...sooner than later.  We decided to go ahead and get it fixed asap because I didn't want it breaking while I was driving the car. Thus me being stranded.  

  

Well...Murphy must have been bored 'cause I was driving our other car and...yep...it died on the interstate while driving north to wrap up my last day of work.  Me = stranded in the middle-of-nowhere.  1.5 hours between my new home and my old home.

Diagnosis:  the timing belt broke.

Ohhhhhh...the irony!!!

Moving Sucks!

What d'ya miss?  A whole lotta packing.  More packing.  And still more packing.  Then the joy of loading our never-ending crap into a moving truck, driving it all 3 hours south, and unloading it into our new garage.  Which was supposed to be organized into zones.... but...ummmmmmm...instead turned out to be...a massive cluster f*@#!!!!  Uggghhhh!

But we didn't have time to worry about the mess in our garage...we had less than 1 hour to get to the cable company before they closed.  Good to know we have our priorities in order...ya know....Maslow's hierarchy of needs:  food, clothing, shelter.  I'm pretty sure Maslow intended for cable tv/internet to be included in the shelter part!!

Returning 6.15.12

Packing again.  So unless you are a cardboard box...I can't be friends with you right now.

I hope to return by mid-June but if not....well...then the basement kidnapped me.  d@#n basement!!!  That place is a never-ending blackhole.  I'm convinced that all our stuff went down there cute, fuzzy, and well behaved like Gizmo...then got wet....and multiplied into a bunch of angry Gremlins.  Yep...that pretty much sums up our basement.

Wish me luck...I gotta go back down there...armed with only cardboard boxes and packing tape!